Vampires: The Paradox or, How to Live With One

By Malina Roos

Early Mom and Dad gazed lovingly upon their teenage sons and daughters only to wonder in amazement, what happened? Prepubescense, these wonderful offspring leapt with joy from their beds at dawns? early light and wolfed down a hearty breakfast. Sometime after the puberty monster hits, they howl with indignity as the blinds are drawn and they shrink back from the glare as the sun touches upon their skin. They try to quickly cover themselves with blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, dogs, what have you, lest the UV rays forever mar the epidermis.

Breakfast consists of fruitloops in a cup in the evening and conversation consists of "pass the milk". Around 10 p.m. is when the "day" officially begins. Out the door to prowl the streets at night, many an unsuspecting coffee shop owner has felt the shivers run down her spine as the vampires have hovered around the cappuccino machine. Undaunted by the black clothing and ghostly skin pallor, the coffee shop mistress knows she is protected from the vampires by her silver spoons that only she can provide. As long as the vampires have their double lattes and biscotti the coffee wench is safe.

Of course when the sun rises, the entire city is safe. It is a well-established fact that vampires only gallivant around in the dead of night; which really means they sleep all day. Often travelling in gangs sometimes a solitary vampire disengages itself from the group to skateboard himself to work. This is when you will see the dramatic event known as shapeshifting. At work the vampire is warm, friendly, smiling, willing to clean, always ensuring your comfort level asking if you would like fries with that.

But at home the shapeshifting reoccurs at a break neck pace and that same smiling soul is either sullen, sleeping or showering.

Another well-known fact is that vampires always leave the dead bodies lying around for somebody else to clean up. At home it is no different. You can always find towels left in a pile on the bedroom floor and a fine collection of cutlery and dishes in an amazing state of animation. Upon closer examination, the empty glass of milk left under the bed for weeks on end will create life. Scrutinize the furry base of the glass and you can almost see the entire subway system laid out and the tiny creatures travelling back and forth to work.

The most frightening character trait of the vampire, the one that brings instant fear to the hearts of young and old alike is the ability to suck the life out of poor unsuspecting souls while roaming the vast outdoors. Indoors this uncanny ability manifests itself by sucking the money out of poor unsuspecting parents.

As a general rule, Vampires have an uncanny ability to remember entire conversations word for word, especially those concerning the pay out of money. But alas, this ability is not quite as refined as other traits. Unfortunately there are other times when entire weeks of endless repeating of phrases and sentences have absolutely no ability to retain any meaning. The most common phrases soon forgotten are ?Close the door, the air conditioning is on?, ?Put the milk back in the fridge when your done?, ?Please clean your room before you go out, I would like to remember the color of your carpet.; To which the most common reply that is returned is "What carpet?

Vampires have a sense of style all their own. Each will dress according to his or her own group code. For example; the Sporty Vampire will wear only Adidas, Nike, or Fila shoes and clothing. They can be distinguished from the other vampires by the secret symbol of the check mark.

The Trendy Vampires will only wear Calvin Klein?s, Tommy, or Versace clothing. These are also the only class of vampires that will change clothing a minimum of three times a day depending upon the activity, group dress code for the day or who might potentially see them.

Their oversized pants, KORN T-shirts, backward hats, and of course the ever present skateboard can distinguish the last group of vampires. These are also the only group of vampires that are completely dependant upon what is blasting from their stereos and it must be heard above 300 decibels, be it in the kitchen, bathroom, shower or bedroom. This leads me to believe that this poor unfortunate group must have a hearing problem. None of the three groups ever seem to inter mix, preferring to stick closely to their own kind. If by chance they do happen to cross paths there is much snarling and gnashing of teeth.

Life with a vampire is never dull and there are many high points as well. Vampires are naturally charming and witty creatures. They are also extremely intelligent, creative and fun to be with. Conversing with vampires on a regular basis, you can discover the scope of their keen perception and the intellect of their imagination. They tend to have opinions on life and viewpoints that are often most insightful, and most often missed by their parents. Maybe the real paradox of living with the vampire is the inability of parents to understand them.